And now, the end is here

Ok, ok, I know I'm late writing about the Big Brother final but I was winging my way to London on Friday night and had duly sky plused it for my viewing pleasure last night.

And my, was there a lot of it. 2 hours of pre-show, an hour of Dermot and Davina and then another hour of finale. Nice to see Davina in a red spangly dress for a change, but disappointingly for the finale they put her back into black, sporting a mourning suit for the ‘funeral’ with added brass band who played with inexplicable schizophrenia.

In fact, the band pretty much ruined the mood of the whole last hour. But lo, fave Brian, winner of BB2 was crowned our almighty king of reality TV as Big Brother proudly laid claim to every reality show ever made since it's beginnings in 2000 - from I'm a Celebrity to Strictly.

Did Big Brother open the doors to the Nation's curiosity in watching unknowns become knows (or indeed 'slightly knows' become 'known mostly for's)? Without the likes of Kate Lawler, Jade, Brian, Brian #2, Cameron (remember him?) or Triple J would we be as obsessed with the self-made celebrity as we are now?


What I do know is it's been a decade - the entirety of my 20s - that I've been settling down to the summer night-time tonics of oddballs getting cabin fever in Elstree. Reality has become a business - a licence to print money and keep viewers inexplicably happy for very little work the other end.

And for all the times I slagged it off and dreamed of a better life without it, I'm sure going to miss it.

The Beginning of the End

To steal the words of a legend: This. Is. It.

This season, and indeed all seasons, will end and a grand finale will begin.

Will Davina find a closet with some colour in it? Will Josie walk at the prospect at another fortnight without her mucker, (LOVING this) internet sensation John James?

Are these predictions correct? And will former fresh-faced 'celeb' winner Chantelle be recognisable since her fake fame became real fame (and misfortune)?

I've already had several excited emails from my best mate in Londres - separated by pesky distance we will share the experience the new-age way - via text message. Most of these, I predict, will begin with 'OMG....'

Follow the live blog tonight...

The beginning of the end

So here we go – in front of a live audience Big Brother chucked 13 of over 80 hopefuls into the best looking house yet, to jeers of ‘it’s a fix!’ from the audience. I’m not sure how they knew that but they were hushed by security purdy darn pronto.

The boo’ers were out in force, as has come to be accepted at launch (and eviction) nights. People always seem to predictably hate the posh boys, the slutty girls and anyone with a massive ego.
Super-posh Ben got so booed he practically legged it through the doors just to get away from the audience.

Jordan wannabe Corin wore a dress so low I swear I’d seen both of her nipples in the first three minutes of her entering the house. There was a monk (in robes) a Beyonce lookilikey, a supposedly intelligent girl who had changed her name to Sunshine and the hottest Aussie us POMs have ever laid our eyes on. Eyes only though, as on opening his mouth his hotness melts into oblivion, sadly (but fairly – surely no-one is or should be blessed with both).

Poor old unlucky for some number 13 Mario got sent in with an ‘impossible’ mission to not be outed as a mole despite being sent in dressed as a mole and having to sleep in a mole hole. Isn’t this the same task every year?

Davina was glorious as ever, in a role that was made for her perhaps a little too perfectly as I can’t imagine her flourishing doing anything else.

And so it begins. The beginning of the end. Places please (and tweet me updates as am off on holiday from Friday…)

And so we say goodbye

It's always hard when a friend leaves.

Memories are gone through and wrapped up, looked through by rose-tinted glasses. Sad laughs and spontaneous chuckles as you remember the good times. Sorry shakes of the head as you remember the bad.

I've not always loved you, but you've always been there... Big Brother.

As the days towards my 30th birthday drip painfully nearer it is with some surprise that I realise Big Brother has been on for the entire of my 20s. The BB Generation.

Children of the 70s hippies, everything had been done before us - Elvis, acid, the pill. What was left for us but reality TV?

And look who it gave us! Skinny Nikki. 'Who is she???!!', dear, skinny Nikki. God love her. Superfan Brian with the super blue eyes (are they in fact contact lenses?), tourettes Pete, controversial Jade, Alex the door singer, Kinger the minger... the list goes on and on. ..


No, these aren't movers and shakers. They haven't secured world peace or goodwill to all men. But they put themselves on live television and let us laugh at them - that takes a good amount of guts or masses of stupidity.

I hope they don't go too crazy with the format tonight, our last opening night ever. Dermot should definitely come back for a cameo. The housemates should neither be too out there nor too ordinary. Rationing should be, well... rationed. Come on C4 - it's the last one - lavish them in champers and food, for next year, we will be destitute.

I'm only watching it this year because it's the last one. Now that's good marketing ... Enjoy. x

We barely heard it over the boos

Holy crap - for one earth-shattering moment I thought Coolio had done it.
Ulrika, the woman who made me change my mind about 4x4s, took BB's crown on Friday.
And only in England, can the 'yoof' of today actually boo a winner. The only remaining woman in a house of 5.
A sorry, sorry sight.

Not so Cool

As Michelle was booted out of the Big Brother House in a surprise eviction on Monday, Verne mused 'why are all the women leaving?', to which Ulrika glumly retorted 'ask the men'. She refers, of course, to the fact that nominations for eviction from the reality TV house over the last 3 weeks have been largely dominated by the fairer sex, leaving only our Swedish 4 x 4 and LaToya Jackson left, amongst what can only be described as a tribe of men.

Now, having watched bits and bobs of this years celebrity ego-fight, its not unfair of me to say I wasn’t expecting anything very insightful to dribble out of Michelle's mouth in her interview with Davina.

But she did note how otherwise polite and respectful men like Terry and Tommy, were turning into monsters when joined in force by Coolio - 90s gangsta rapper and woman disrespecter extraordinaire. Not one for even bothering to pretend to look a good-looking girl in the eye, this man has spent every waking minute manipulating the men with injections of untreated testosterone, and toppling the women one by one.

Early on Lucy left, after bravely standing up to him during a task where she was forced to spend 24 hours in a small area with him, pretending to 'pap' the garden. Things turned from bad to worse for the model, as Coolio prodded and prodded and prodded in annoyingness and disrespect until she broke.

So, what's left? A bunch of men quite bereft of female company or companionship. Even the rapper himself told Big Brother he 'felt sorry' for Michelle - a woman he had tormented for her entire duration in the house - when she left. Perhaps it is no wonder this man is quite simply - alone. Let's hope the other men grow some balls and stop limpeting themselves to him.

Pig Mario

Ok, so it was my own fault for watching Big Brother in the first place. I’m not proud, it’s not big, and its not clever. That said, what I saw today was so unbelievable it left me agog, staring at a blank screen, long after I’d turned it off, jaw still firmly on the floor.

‘Italian stallion’ and Sly look-alike Mario – which, by the way, isn’t his real name, and he hasn’t set foot in Italy in his entire life – got nominated for eviction. On mulling his imminent possible ejection from the house over with girlfriend of 3 years Lisa, who is also in the house, the sexist pig told Lisa that if he left her days would also be numbered in the house ‘without your man here’ because she ‘isn’t strong like him’. Is he kidding? I mean is he actually yanking my chain? No one on God’s green earth could possibly say that and mean it could they?

Mario is not known for is liberal thinking when it comes to gender equality, however. Lisa’s father has branded Mario a bully, after he reportedly bullied and manipulated Lisa into having her breasts enlarged. More seriously though, the red tops have been chocker block with allegations of his past domestic violence, and even forcing a 19 year-old ex-girlfriend into an unwanted abortion.

Whether these allegations are true are not, what is perfectly clear is that Mario apparently thinks himself to be God’s gift, and clearly needs taking down a peg or two. The best thing that could happen to that guy is to leave the house in a cloud of shame next week, then watch Lisa become a more accepted part of a group she’s been isolated from because she’s been tied to Mario’s apron strings. Come on Lisa – it’s time to grow some balls and stick up to that sexist pig of a boyfriend.