The Fruit Budget

You know, it’s one thing that it cost me 119.9p a litre to put a couple of drops of unleaded in my car last night (it’s all I could afford) but now they’re telling me cider’s going up 10%. 10 bloody percent.

Now, I regard apples as one of my five a day. So where does this stand, Darling increasing the price of my being healthy?

If I was American I would simply sue his ass. But being British I’ll have a good old grumble on my blog and do nothing about it.

Facebook being the dear creature it is has reacted angrily, with over 200 determined networkers to declare ‘Fuck Alistair Darling - Let's all Binge Drink before the Budget!!!’

That’s if one can get served – the last time I went to buy some Ratler from Morrisons I got ID’d by what looked like a 12 year old. I’m 30 in June. It was all decidedly confusing. She had to call over her manager who was old enough to check my ID.

Anyway, I digress. It’s time, my dear Cornish friends (they only drink wine in London – I checked - a lot) to stock up. Stock up now, before it’s too late and Darling forces apples out of your diet. The bastard.

Gender definition

I just wanted to show off my blinds. They have no wordly right to be sitting here on this blog, apart to highlight the fact that no matter how far gender equality comes, there’s just no getting away from the fact that women are more drawn to some ‘crafts’ than men.

To my knowledge my bother’s never sat himself in front of a sewing machine and knocked up a cushion, or hemmed a curtain.

Anyhoo, here’s the somewhat wobbly result of a few good hours labour

Tiger the 'sex addict'

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Oh, apart from that one, and that one. And, oh darn it, ok, hands up, I'm a sex addict. Yeah that must be it.

"I'm not a man who simply doesn't think the rules apply to me (although I've admitted that I don't think they do). Nor that I didn't think my wife would ever seriously leave me (taking my kids whom I don't deserve with her). Nor that I thought I was such a massive star my sponsors wouldn't forgive me screwing hookers behind my wife's back left right and centre. I also think that by regurgitating a PR speech I've practised a thousand times in front of the mirror will pretty much get things back on track."

Seriously Tiger, there's nothing more you can say. We get it, you're sorry. You're sorry you were caught and your bubble burst.

People make mistakes - it's human nature- but mistakes on 'Tiger scale'? There are men who think it's ok to cheat - who get off on the secrecy, the excitement of being with someone but their partner - and there are men who don't. I've got to say I think that changing the fabric of your morals in your 30s is akin to the ease of changing your skin or eye colour.

Call me a skeptic but I've heard that speech before from an ex who couldn't keep his dick in his pants. That lasted 15 minutes too. I mean his fidelity. There's no such thing as sex addiction. Just dickheadism.

And yes, women cheat too.

Getting jiggy in the new age

It all starts pretty innocently - an email here, a text there. Before you know it your spectacles are steaming up and your messages are filling with asterisks (if you believe The Sun).
We're talking about getting jiggy the new-age way.
A recent poll questioned nearly 1,500 men and women folk and found that morality on this form of 'cheating' divides nowhere near the middle.
57% of guys claimed having sexy time with another person on text did NOT constitute as cheating, while 86% of women said they thought that shit was unacceptable in a caring, sharing, respectful etc. etc. relationship.
1 in 3 women said they'd consider dumping their partners ass if he par-took in such cheatery, whilst the men claimed they'd be far more relaxed about it all - with only 1 in 6 men saying it would end in breakup if they caught their other-half out.
Funny isn't it - I wonder if these stats reflect what would really happen. What's for sure is that women see the 'emotional' cheat just as important as the physical. That if a man could engage in sexy texts with someone else, the trust and connection between them would break.
The fact the guys mostly claimed they'd forgive and forget in such a situation is interesting - perhaps I've always just been with guys who would give me a good deal of a hard time for looking sideways at another guy (present company excluded). Or perhaps they're giving it Billy big nuts, secretly knowing sexy texting just ain't that good an idea.
What staggered me is only 59% of all of those asked said they thought that actually PHYSICALLY kissing someone else would constitute as cheating. I hope none of them are my boyfriend.
Happy Valentine's xxx

Lent - it's all about sex and social networking

So, those clever people who dream up polls went and asked nearly 1,000 men and women folk what Lent means to them.

You see after 14 years on the tabs I gave up smoking last October. I now toe the party line that this renders me pretty much divine in terms of abstinence so I didn’t make any New Year's resolutions, nor will I be giving up anything (else) I love for Lent.
However, a whopping 45% of you said that are actually abstaining from something for 40 days and 40 nights.

Here's the top 10:

1.Chocolate - 43%
2.Sex – 36%
3.Cigarettes – 34%
4.Caffeine – 29%
5.Social networking – 20%
6.Alcohol - 20%
7.Fake tan – 16%
8.Texting – 12%
9.Sugar – 10%
10.Swearing – 6%

Will you look at that? I already did number 3 (I know - so smug).
First things first - chocolate's probably top of the pops every year for just about every female pounding the earth's surface.
Number 10's never going to happen - ask any of my friends or family. I'm not a big caffeine drinker anyway. Social networking and sex? Crumbs, people are really going full throttle this year. Anyway, aren't you supposed to give up something culinary, as per J.C.? Does anyone know 'the rules'?
Giddy with the heroic efforts lots of you are putting in, it's reassuring to know that only 18% of you will stick to it - 11% after only one week. Basically, when you get to work on Monday morning, miserable because you haven't had sex, only to turn on your computer and watch in horror as it connects to your Facebook homepage, you'll hook yourself back up to your intravenous drip of coffee and tell yourself that if J.C. was living in this day and age, he would need all of these little vices too.
More fantastically, 15% of people (and I quote) are "not aware of Lent".
So. What did you give up?

Our Mo - tumour and all

Utterly absorbing, powerful, emotional and all-consuming - the two-hour-topping drama of Mo Mowlam’s life from Labour’s first winning election until her death had me in fits of giggles, uncomfortable silences and pouring tears.

I was torn by how aghast I was at a clearly testosterone fuelled Government, and how inspired I was to change the world no matter what challenges lie in front of one – be them living and thriving in a man’s world, or battling cancer.

I suppose I can boast living in these shoes to some small extent, being both a Digital Editor (not a whole lot of women there) and having survived a far less threatening cervical cancer in my early 20s. My ‘change the world’ goal has, I’m afraid to report, yet to materialise.

Julie Walters, whom I already knew to be at her worst thoroughly watchable, blew me away with an unapologetic portrayal of a woman who both embodied the female in politics at her thunderous best, and one who was so masculine as to all at once join and threaten her alpha male colleagues – pissing with the cubicle door open, sitting with her legs wide apart, and swearing like a builder after 5 pints of larger. It appalled and excited me all at once.

I was devastated at Mowlam’s fury as she nearer her death that the ‘larger than life Mo that everyone loved’ might not have been ‘her’ at all, but the work of the tumour which was already pressing into her frontal lobe and altering her behaviour.

Mo was still our Mo – tumour and all. She was a woman of courage, passion and confidence. I can only hope that by the time I turn my toes up, I could have achieved even half of what she managed.

Rape: The reason it's under-reported

A recent report published on thisiscornwall.co.uk highlighted the shocking fact that in 2009 alone over 300 rapes and sexual assaults were reported to Cornwall and Devon police. Even more distressing is the statement by Maggie Parks, director at the women's rape and sexual abuse centre in Bodmin, who claimed 85% of those raped or sexually assaulted never report the crime. A figure I have no trouble believing. This would bring the actual figure to somewhere near a breathtaking 2,000.

A police representative admitted ‘We accept rape and sexual assault are very under-reported crimes’ and went on to say they are setting up two more centres (to add to one existing in Plymouth) where victims ‘can come and be seen by a doctor, deal with police and be put in touch with counselling services’. All very well. But what of those that do get reported, but never conclude in conviction? A proportion, we have to sadly admit, must be false accusation, but many more are due to lack of evidence.

A recent rape case in Bolton highlights the inexplicable way some courts deal with such cases. The case was thrown out because the alleged female victim had disclosed sexual fantasies of group sex during a private msn webchat, which were later produced at court. When she finally agreed to meet the man, admitting they had planned to have sex, she was in fact met by 5 men, some of whom then allegedly raped her, which they denied.

I’m not sure how the courts can defend their decision based on the private fantasies of the woman. A fantasy is just that – fantasy. Adults, men and women are free to have as many weird and wonderful sexual fantasies and desires as they like without it denying them their right to say no at any point during any sexual activity.

This ideal harps back to the archaic opinion that women who dress too provocatively, or ‘lead men on’ should accept consequences as severe as rape, and be made to feel ashamed that they brought it on themselves. If we really want to address the problems surrounding sexual abuse and rape of men, women and children, it is not only the police that need to address themselves and their procedures. If more of that 15% brought to the police’s attention actually resulted in conviction, victims would be far more prepared to come forward.