The Fynl GdBi

Recently, a best friend of mine was told by her partner of a year that it was over between them. No biggie. We’re all adults here.

It was 3 days after her birthday.

And it was by email.

Now, in fairness the fucktard in question blamed everything on himself, and even more impressively, recognised that his fucktardedness was only amplified by the fact he’d done such a thing in such an unbelievably cowardly way.

It seems it’s more common than you’d think, this email dumping business. Here’s a site dedicated to such personality imbalances. This is part of a personal favourite:

“i wish you would have given me a reason to be mad at you or hate you.
it would be so much easier then.
but you didn't. you were so good to me.
and i know i'll never find that again
i wish i could say i wanted someone else or something tangible but all i have is a
want of something i don't know i'll ever get
i'm so fucking sorry baby.
i feel so stupid
i'm sorry”

It makes you wonder if these misguided individuals actually think they’re better able to express the complications of the inner workings of their brains by text, but the lack of empathy for another’s feelings on receiving such a patronising load of old rubbish by email in working hours is just breathtaking.

Modern technology has given those with even an inkling of cowardliness an easy way out – a text, an email, a web announcement.

The basic of all human interaction seems to fly out the window when the subject matter is something a half Mars Bar away of what we call ‘sticky’.

How you behave behind the wall of modern technology is the real personality test

Narcissism with a penis

Are all men narcissistic at some level? I know that’s a blunt tool to throw at you so early on a Thursday morning, but I’d at least like the idea to be entertained. Some less so than others, and of course the odd complete exception from the rule. Many men I know would freely admit that they are. Narcissism goes hand in hand with the arrogance I find many modern men drape around tailored shoulders, and are all to often proud of. It’s a quality that, I’m almost ashamed to admit, I often find rather attractive.

Ashamed, because of course this narcissistic quality in men has a frightening danger of turning into something more than just “an abnormal desire for ones self, where you lack empathy, and unconscious inadequacy of self esteem, due to regression of child development… a delusion that you are more important than everyone else.” It can turn into something much darker, as all too frequently we’ve learned the hard way.

“In a relationship, a male narcissist wants to be the centre of a woman's life and feels that she should be subordinate to him in all ways. He may devalue the partner because she does not live up to his wishes. When frustrated, he withdraws his love and resorts to rage and projection. He provides very little emotional satisfaction for his partner, yet he demands her perfect responsiveness.” Now, you ask yourself why any woman would be so silly as to make herself vulnerable to a man of such deficiency, but let me tell you. It happens to the best of us, and it’s easier than it sounds to fall for a guy who nestles many of these qualities close to his heart. In its infant state, it has meant that dating in the modern age has seemingly become a power battle – who can call who less, who can give less of a shit. The person who wins is the person who will, eventually, get the elbow– a kind of bittersweet reward for being the most important. But before that happens, a woman will all too often lose her confidence, sense of self, happiness and sanity.

This describes it perfectly:
"A narcissist is skilled at the art of verbal abuse and the narcissist is proficient at verbally abusing women. Narcissists like to frustrate women. Their behaviour toward a woman keeps her on the edge of insanity because she doesn't know what is coming next. The narcissist uses what he deems the blunt or brutal truth to eat away at any attributes that a woman might have. The woman is left with no self-esteem when the narcissist is through with her. This is the way he wants her. If her self esteem is not in tact he can gain control over her and retain her as narcissistic supply.”

Of course, I’m not making the sweeping generalisation that all men are of this level – indeed, talking to a physiologist girl friend of mine last night, I found myself trying to convince us both that there were men with a normal level of narcissism pumping in their veins, in order that we might be a) attracted to them but b) not get too bruised a heart along the way. I really hope I’m right.

Either way, what's in a name?

Loath as I am to promote this website, having been in the audience of a seminar where the editor sat as one of the panelists, the f-word throws up an interesting 'Ask a feminist'.

Lets, for a moment, ignore the puke-inducing title of this section, and focus on what they're saying. Surnames. Taking one's partners name on marrying them, and giving your kid the same.

I have some experience here - not as childbearing mother or doe eyed wife-to-be - but as a child who's hippy parents who were thinking about the very same thing, all the way back when chicks were burning their bra's and dudes thought feminists were cool.

Mum kept her name. Dad kept his. Neither, by my recollection, ever wore a ring. Dad lost his diving and Mum claimed to, mysteriously, 'have one somewhere'. I was given Dad's surname, as was my older brother. A surname we now share with a step-mother and step-sisters. For this reason, I now feel little ownership with my surname (indeed, I couldn't have a more common name if I tried) so the opportunity to spice it up a bit would be jumped at like a fat man in a bakery.

The thing is - their decision was a personal, and to them, a natural one. Although it wasn't widely done at the time, and Mum had a bit of a battle reminding certain stubborn people that no, in fact, she wasn't Mrs Wood, nor had she ever been, they claim there wasn't the kind of hair-pulling 'is it more feminist for me to do this or this' that one is required to go through today. It seems, although much more widely accepted, the choice has just given us more of a dilema. But what's in a name (and that argument works on either side of the coin)?

Nor did it ever cause much of a fuss that I had a different name to Mum. In fact, I grew up wondering why other families weren't the same as mine, putting it down to extraordinary coincidence that their my friends' parents' surnames should match. How unique, I thought, they were! When Mum worked as a substitute teacher once in my tiny primary school, it saved me much rib jabbing and bullying taunts, as no-one but teachers and close friends were any the wiser that I'd been brewed a few years previous in a womb not far from them... And I'm pre-e-etty sure Mum didn't love me any the less because I had a different name. We, as mother and daughter, are individuals fussed by a bond reaching far beyond an initial.

My point is - families are unique - in this day and age, more than ever. The choice is hers, for her to embrace, not fret over. With a bit of common sense and individuality, such decisions shouldn't have her ears bleeding. I find it sad that someone need write to a feminist website to ask them what to do on this issue, as it should be about what's right for her, and her family.

I call myself a feminist. A normal feminist. So I'm not going to lose any sleep if I take another name one day. Nor am I going to if the opportunity doesn't present itself.